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2007 Starburst Rankings

Today is the day you've all been waiting for. It's the day I release my Official 2007 Starburst Rankings. These rankings are used throughout the world to determine the order in which Starbursts are to be enjoyed. These rankings apply to only the original Starburst flavors. The fancy Berries and Creme, Sour, Tropical Fruit and such are not up for consideration. I don't need all the pomp and circumstance that comes along with multiple fruit chew varieties. I'm a meat and potato type of guy. That is why my rankings are so important, let the millionaires have their sour raspberry chews - i speak for the people.

This year:

#4. Lemon - Lemon Starbursts are not good. This is not debatable.

#3. Orange - Much better than lemon, but a far cry from...

#2. Cherry - Delicious. If the good people at Starburst would get their act together and create a giant cherry Starburst, you could serve it for Thanksgiving dinner. They are just that good.

#1. Strawberry - Jesus rose on the 3rd day because he heard there were Strawberry Starbursts in his Easter basket. It's in the Bible.

The Muffin Top Epidemic

A menacing trend is sweeping the country and as a nation, we are facing a crisis.

I'm of course talking about "muffin tops."

According to Wikipedia, which is known in the scientific community as the most accurate source of information ever, a Muffin Top is a female, whose flabby midsection spills over the waistline of his or her pants in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its casing. This generally occurs when an individual squeezes into low-rise or hip-hugger pants and midriff-baring tops that are arguably undersized for the individual's weight. Thus, the problem could be easily solved if the woman were to swallow her pride and buy a larger size.


I do not understand a chubby girl's desire to squeeze into tight britches...and frankly, i'm just brave enough to take a stand. In a time were our great nation desperately needs people to look up to...i'm that hero.

The Pussification Of America*

*I stole this title from my good friend Eddie

The events at Virgina Tech earlier this week are still fresh in my mind. While i am continuing to process the magnitude of what occurred, I'm becoming increasingly incensed at political talking heads using emotionally charged events to advance their political agendas.

You are going to hear a lot about gun control in the coming weeks. In fact, if you check out ABC, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Fox News or any major news outlet you can already find articles and commentary on the subject. Regardless of your feelings on gun control, it has absolutely nothing to do with this sad event. Nothing.

Simply put, while a guns were used, they did not fire themselves. When a drunk driver kills a family of 4 we don't immediately seek a ban on cars. This is just another example of people looking for a government-sponsored pacifier to make them feel better. Or as my buddy Kennt noted "a band-aid" when "we should be looking at the underlying meaning of people committing any violent crime whether it's with a gun or not."

The problem is; we are the problem.

From A Nation of Wimps by Hara Estroff Marano

Behold the wholly sanitized childhood, without skinned knees or the occasional C in history. "Kids need to feel badly sometimes," says child psychologist David Elkind, professor at Tufts University. "We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope."

From What we Know About Mass Murderers and Why They Kill by James Alan Fox

...perpetrators have a long history of frustration and failure and a diminished ability to cope with life's disappointments.

By all accounts, Cho Seung-Hui was a deeply disturbed young man who wrote disjointed diatribes about ''rich kids," ''debauchery" and ''deceitful charlatans" on campus. A young man who stalked women that rejected his advances. A young man who couldn't deal with that rejection.

My buddy Jason said, "A lot of shootings happen because people are scared to take an ass whooping.
If everyone would watch "Friday" the world would be a better place."

He might have quoted Friday, but damn if it isn't on point.

In the age of Helicopter Parenting where Everyone Gets a Trophy and Dodgeball has been outlawed and the Weak Inheriting the Gym, how are kids supposed to learn that they don't always win? That life isn't always fair?

How will they become self-sufficient?

And in the most extreme cases, will their inability to deal with rejection or failure lead to more bloodshed?

Can our dissent into pussidom be stopped or is it too late?

Triglyceridin' Dirty

Well, this is not what i was planning on posting today, but it's all i can think about.

I had a routine physical on Tuesday. The first one i've had in probably 12 or 13 years. I peed in a cup, got a shot, had blood work done...it's something i have been putting off for quite some time. I do not like going to the doctor's office , so unless i am ill, i avoid it at all costs.

This was Tuesday morning. My doctor said i would get the lab results in the next couple of weeks. You can imagine my surprise when i got a call yesterday afternoon around 6.

It was not good news.

My triglyceride level is 785. If you are like me and have no clue WTF that means, the normal level is less than 150.

It's serious enough that they insisted i come back in this week to get poked and prodded further. Kind of scary.

I'm hoping that their was just a mix up at the lab and maybe some one was eating a 3 piece white over my blood sample and a drop of vegetable oil fell in, but it's unlikely.

5 years ago, i would have ignored the shit out of this development. Hell, 5 years ago i wouldn't have even considered getting a physical. But it's important to me that i get to see Bryce grow up.Aand Bryce's kid's grow up. I owe it to the world to stick around for a while. Imagine how empty your lives would be without me in it.

In all seriousness, i know that i'm in for a huge life change. My diet is horrible. I drink too much. I get a lot of exercise, but i guess i'm at the point in life that it just isn't enough.

This sucks. I hate eating healthy.

Best. Business. Plan. Evar.

Thanks to Susie for alerting me to the best business plan in the history of ever.

Check this out:

The Alibi Hotel

Just a short excerpt for those too lazy to click a link:

The Alibi Hotel provides a virtual hotel service that is indistinguishable from a real hotel. Appear to be where the hotel is while actually being where you need to be. Your hotel will have a real-style name (not 'Alibi Hotel'), a phone number in the correct area code, and a 24x7 professional front desk staff who answer all your incoming calls to keep you covered.

Cheating spouses rejoice!

Before anyone asks, this is real.

Cindy's House Cafe Update Part Deux

So i recently received some correspondence from the general manager of Cindy's House Cafe in Cary.

As you will recall, i wrote an unfavorable review of the establishment after a piss poor dining experience about 8 or 9 months ago.

That was followed by an email from Cindy herself asking for my address.

A few months passed and i received nothing, so i just washed my hands of the entire matter.

Until i got an email last week. I'll post it because it explains thing sfar better than i could:

Hey there Brent! Thanks so much for getting back to me. Well Like I said before I am so sorry that this issue fell between the cracks. Cindy was very ill and hospitalized, and then on bed rest. It was a hard time, and being a small restaurant it made things difficult. Things are going well now and we are back up on our feet. Which, I am very happy about.

I read thru your blog about the restaurant many times. I realize that all restaurants will receive good and bad reviews throughout the life of its existence. However, we take peoples "bad" experiences very seriously. ( Which again is why Cindy and I feel so terrible about this issue happening at a time when Cindy became so ill and was not able to take care of it immediately ).
Our customers are very important to us. We believe with all our heart that customer service, and the "experience" of dining, is just as important as the quality of the food. I don't know who waited on you, but I can assure you that the service you received is not tolerated in this restaurant by Cindy or myself. Your experience has been discussed many times with our staff, as an example of what a sour attitude can have on a person's dinning experience. As for the food taking a long time, I can only toss that up to a bad day in the kitchen. But as you stated in your Blog, it is the responsibility of the waitstaff to smooth things over, and I can't apologize enough that you experienced something different.

You stated in your blog that you wanted to have a " Mom/Pop" restaurant that you could go to on a regular basis. Most of our customers are regulars and return everyday, some for breakfast and lunch in the same day. We even name our entrees after them. I would love for our restaurant to be that place for you.
Thursday and Friday evenings we are open for dinner. It is a fine dining experience and I would love to have you and your wife back for dinner in the very near future. I feel like this will be a nice treat for the two of you. Please think it over and let me know. We all want the opportunity to make this up to you.

Thanks again Brent for your honesty, and for getting back to me so fast. I hope that you and your family have an amazing Easter.

I'm not going to take her up on the free dinner because i don't want people to think i was just throwing a hissy-fit to get some free grub. I'm just happy that the likelihood of someone else having an experience there similar to mine is unlikely at this point.

I'm also happy that i won't be answering 6 or 7 emails a day asking what the status of the situation is...that was getting old.

Happy Easter

I hope you don't all get caught up in the Jesus died for our sins rhetoric and remember that the Easter bunny is the reason for the season. Sorry for slacking on the posts, but I've been working like a mofo.

Have a great weekend and I'll return next week with a flurry of dumb shit.