Beware The Pentavirate!

Thanks for the heads up J!

Completely Inappropriate

Try This

Best frozen pizza i have ever had.

Job Update

It seems like job oportunities always come in packs, never one at a time. Anyway, i'm still waiting to hear back from the CEO of a small company I interviewed at last Friday. On Monday we discussed salary and he said he would crunch the numbers and get back to me by the end of the week.

In the meantime a phone interview today went well and the kind lady I spoke with is setting someting up for early next week.

These are in addition to the interview I have scheduled for tomorrow at 10AM.

Hopefully one of these gigs work out. It's hard to balance a job search and The Great Scooter Caper* planning.

* My burglary of Steve's scooter is bound to go down in history as The Great Scooter Caper

Scoogles, Scoogles, Scoogles

Scoogs uses these ladies to help him push the memory of Morgan and their love out of his heart and mind. Invariably, he sobers up and the weight of lost love crushes his tender heart. Pray for Scoogles because he would pray for you.

Maddox's Book

It looks like Maddox's book is coming out in June.

I'm Stealing a Scooter

Ocean's 11-style. I need a crew that includes:

Wisecracking explosives expert
Bendy Chinaman
Hot chick
Old guy
Pool shark
Horse Whisperer
Dog the Bounty Hunter look-alike
and a Brent android that shoots tranquilizer darts from it's mouth

The details of my plan will only be revealed to the chosen crew. I can feel the wind through my hair already. Steve's scooter is as good as mine.

What the hell is going on in this picture?

This is one of my all-time favorite random interweb photos because it doesn't make a damn bit of sense. The pilgrim outfit, sepia tone and Cornelius t-shirt make it magical.

Jobs

I've had some free time recently and have been reflecting on all the jobs i've had in the past. Here they are from most recent to my first job.

1. MarketSmart Interactive
2. IBM
3. Briggs Equipment
4. SAS
5. Adams Law Office
6. The Town of Cary
7. The Town of Morrisville- 1 day
8. The Back 9 Pub
9. Abercrombie and Fitch - 3 or 4 days folding clothes and dusting after the store closed during the holidays. Thanks t o the generous discount my family had an Abercrombie-tastic Christmas
10. The Finish Line
11. Sams Club - 2 days
12. UPS - 1 week
13. Video bar
14. Space Savers
15. YMCA
16. MacGregor Downs Pool
17. Ace Hardware
18. Food Lion - 3 days
19. Winn Dixie

I know i'm forgetting a few, but either way, that's a shit-ton of jobs.

My favorite was definitely lifeguarding at MacGregor Downs. Free food from the snack shop, hot girls, sitting in the sun, a proliferation of MILFS...who could ask for anything more.

Least favorite was the 1 day i spent at the Sams Club customer service counter. I worked with the meanest woman on the face of the Earth and the people that came to customer service were, 7 out of 10 times, full-blown retards. I went home for lunch and never went back.

Scoogle Thursday Evenings

Scoogs met Morgan at Applebees(his favorite hangout). He was sitting at the bar drowning his sorrows in a tall mudslide when he overheard a sultry voice order a mudslide of it's own. The voice belonged to Morgan. Aftere the pair finished thier mudslides the hightailed it over to Outback for an awesome blossom and then on to TGI Fridays were they proceeded to gobble down some Jack Daniels ribs. The ended the night sipping on tequilla shooters at Ruby Tuesdays.

The next day Morgan, the love of Scoogles life, moved to Flodida to pursue her pilots license. Scoogle emails her frequently, but they have never managed to rekindle the flame of the fateful night.

OctoDog

Scoogle has this picture up on his blog and i was jealous

Goodbye White Monkey

My buddy Paul has what may be the final White Monkey tale...we'll miss you dear friend.

I saw the damn white monkey again this week. He looked pretty tired up on his old rusty track hoe. He slinked his way over to me and said, “Son, it’s hard to sleep with a heifer banging around you uns’ all night.” He explained that his “boss man” only gave him $300.00 a month for a place to stay while he was out of town. He told me that he had “wheeled and dealed” with a local farmer for him and the boys to sleep in a loft above the milk cows. I’m not up on the laws of North Carolina, but I think the white monkey might be on the asshole end of this deal. “Yea it don’t really matter though. There are so many wild ass women here in Burke County that I can usually pick and choose where I want to sleep at night.” Right. A skinny ass dude that smells like diesel fuel and creek mud. Tufts of graying red hair sticking out of an oily hat that says “Life’s a bitch and then you marry one”. Rolling into “da club” with Luis-Fernando, Jesus, Cesar, and a beer gut that could be in a Somalian article for National Geographic. Quite honestly, I can’t believe all of the women in the place don’t slide off of their barstools as soon as you hit the door Mr. Monkey.

His work area looked really good so I complemented him on a suburb job and filled out the paper work. He said,” I really try not to mess up the creeks because I know how important muskrat habitat is.” The guy was dead serious. He must have gotten some stinky pinkie from Lu-Lu the night before and watched The Lion King with Lil’ Tater and Jr. in the morning because he was on an ill rant about the circle of life. Sweet lord I wish I could remember all of the stuff he was saying, but I was just trying to hold back the tears. He kept linking animals that have nothing to do with each other. It went something like this, “You see man….the cows have to have sheep ………..and the sheep have to have all the birds ……………and the birds …………………..they need the muskrats and the muskrats have to have ………….the water. Me and you uns’ help keep the water clean, so really ………..the cows need us”. The white monkey was all fired up and intense like he was on the cusp of the big bang theory. Then he put a “lipper” of Copenhagen in his mouth and stewed in his own genius.

Sadly, I found out today that the white monkey was “taken off the job” and will no longer be around. Enjoy rehab Mr. Monkey. We will miss you.

The Problem With Myspace

As i mentioned yesterday, i started a Myspace page. Ina ddition to feeling like an old man at a middle school dance, within 24 hours i got 2 solicitations for loans and a thinly-veiled attempt to get me to pay for escorts or porn....or maybe she really likes me! I'll post what she sent and her pic and let you all decide.

Hi. I'm looking through this website, using my girl friend's profile. So I want to make sure you're aware that this profile isn't mine. She just showed me this site, so I don't have my own account yet. She told me to surf around on her account, and see if I like the site.

I will admit, this site does seem pretty cool. I had fun looking through your profile too. So, I just wanted to say hi to you. So where should I start? I have been single for about a year now, so I feel like a rookie at this "meeting new people" thing. lol... I had a really bad break up about a year ago and decided to take some time off and do stuff for "me". But now I think its time to meet someone again. I dont think that I am ready for another relationship, so what I am looking for is a good friendship. You know what I mean... Someone cool, who can spend time with me, hang out, go dancing, just having fun. And sometime, maybe even sharing some intimate moments. I guess people call that "friends with benefits". lol!

So, where should we start? I'm Kristen. You can reach me at true_c0l0rs911 at yahoo. This is my friends profile, so email me directly, that way we can chat and keep in touch. She told me that if I liked it, that I should create my own account some time. I might just do that. I have some pictures that I will send you. BTW, I'm your normal everyday blonde haired blue eyed girl. I'm not the next "top model" but then again, I'm nothing to be disappointed about. I think that we would get along great. ... Kristen ...

Holy cow! friends with benefits...where do i send the check?

Cling Wrap and Other Tidbits

I feel like i've mastered a lot of skills in my 30 years, but the one talent that continues to elude me is the ability to properly tear cling wrap then place it securely around foodstuffs. I feel like i have the neccessary dexterity, i understand the concept and yet it is a full-blown disaster every time. I hate you Cling Wrap.

Thank God for aluminum foil.

Job update: about 2 1/2 weeks ago i had 3 prospects. I didn't get one because of lack of experience, i turned one down because it didn't pay enough and the other place isn't sure if they are still going to fill the position. My initial instinct is; if the position is on the chopping block already, it might not be the best situation to go into.

I have a couple of leads, but essentially, i'm back to square 1. Pretty dissappointing.

In the meantime i've been staying busy by hanging out with my son and writing for Marketingshift.

Scoogle Tuesday

Morgan is Scoogle's hot cousin.

Growing up on the mean streets of Durham, NC, Scoogle quickly realized that the rules of life were very simple; kill or be killed. The only person he could trust was his younger cousin Morgan. Her buck teeth and pigeon toes made her the butt of many jokes. Being the gangster and all-around good guy he is scoogles slung rock out of Orange high until he had scraped up enough dough to pay for braces(teeth and legs).

The fruits of his illegal dealing is the hot young lady rolling around in the sand and whatnot in his photo gallary.

Thanks Scoogs.

MySpace

I feel like a grown man desperatly clinging to his youth, but i started a Myspace page. Maybe some hot teen ladies will start making inappropriate interweb advances...that would be something.

NCAA Tournament

Here is a small child's artistic rendering of me watching the Pack play:
















As public service, here are the brackets:

Scoogle Tuesday on Friday

My trip to the beach postponed Scoogle Tuesday.

Todays theory is very simple. Let me ask all of you a question: Have you ever seen Scoogle and Morgan in the same room? Of course you haven't...because they are the same person.



After the collapse of her modeling career, Morgan was devistated and wanted to reinvented herself. Knowing her ACT scores were much too low to get into school, the lovely Morgan made a brash decision to undergo a full sex change and emerged from Boone the technological genius we all know today as Scoogles.

Riddle solved.

Beach

I'm heading to the beach for the rest of the week. When you're unemployed you can pull shenanigans like this.

The Funniest Story I Have Heard In A Long Time

My buddy Paul works for the DOT in the mountains of NC. from time to time he tells me one of the many funny stories he has collected from his time up there.

I got a laugh at work today. I had to go look at a bridge that was being built out in the sticks of Burke County by a contractor that I had not met. I rolled up the site and there were a couple Mexican fellas standing in the creek and a really skinny dude with red hair in a track hoe. The dude came scrambling out of a track hoe, stuck out his hand and said, “My handle is the White Monkey. Glad to meet you.” I found out later that “handle” is a term that truckers use for their nicknames but I was just looking at him trying to figure just what in god’s name he was talking about. You know that a person is a piece of work when they introduce themselves to you with a line from “BJ and the Bear”.

I explain to Mr. Monkey that I am the environmental specialist for the project and I am just there to inspect the site. When he hears the work “environmental”, the guy gets this crazy look in his eye and says really abruptly, “What do you know about llamas?” So I look around and sure enough there is a llama over in the adjacent field. I always find it interesting that in rural areas people tend to think that I know the inner workings of every animal in the world because I have a college degree in biology. I explain to this guy that my working knowledge of llamas is limited and he says, “ That sumbitch spit on me when I was moving that fence right over there.” I laughed because I thought he was joking around, but his eyes were the size of dinner plates and I could tell that he actually was trying to figure out what and the hell had happened to him. I explained that much like him, llamas will spit if they get irritated or feel that they are in danger. I asked him what he was doing when the llama spit at him. He replied, “Trying to pet that fucker.”

I start looking over the project and the two Mexican guys are trying to de-water a pit with a pump, but the pump keeps getting clogged with sticks and debris. The Mexican guys don’t understand a bit of English so I tell the white monkey that it would be easier if they submerged a bucket and placed the pump in the bucket to keep the big debris from clogging the pump. He yells down at these poor guys,” MUCHACHOS…..PUT EL PUMPO IN THE BUCKETO”. What an asshole. I could have done better than that. The funny part is that I was down near the pit and the Mexican guys start talking. I have no idea what they were talking about but one of the guys looked up at the white monkey and his sentence ended with “diablo blanco”.

It was getting close to noon and the crew takes a lunch break. The damn white monkey goes over to a burn barrel and starts loading it up with leaves, pine straw, river cane, trash, drink bottles and basically all of the loose crap he can find within 10 feet of the barrel. Then he grabs a can of gasoline and pours about two gallons into the barrel. If you have ever tried to light a gasoline fire, you know that it is a terrible beast. The white monkey had obviously dabbled in these waters before because he stood about 10 feet back and “flicked” matches at the barrel for about 5 minutes before it went off like a small nuclear bomb. Once the trash fire was set, the boys put an old “yield” sign over the barrel and cooked up a delicious batch of cheese burritos on the sign. The smoke coming out of the barrel was pitch black but the white monkey didn’t give a shit. He was over there with watery ass eyes, cheese burrito in one hand, and a Doral cigarette in the other.

Thank you Paul. Thank you.

My Bad

Thanks Steve. I totally forgot about Scoogle Tuesdays.

Scoogle met Morgan online. She was living in Poland at the time and desperately wanted to come to America to pursue her modeling career. Although he knew better, Scoogle couldn't say no to his feelings of love for the Polish beauty.



He took a semester off from school and worked as a miner. His small frame and cat-like reflexes made him quite an asset in the caverns of Boone. When he had finally squirrelled away enough money he paid for her to come to America and set her up with a photographer to take some headshots.

Well, Morgan fell in love with that photographer and they are now living happily in Kissimmee, FL where they go to Epcot everyday and laugh at poor heart-broken Scoogles.